Inner Self

It's been a while since I've written... and not just here, it's been a while since I've written ANYTHING... it's depressing, since I once considered myself an avid writer.

I write short stories, mainly children's stories... I write poetry... mainly when I'm down and depressed... you'd think I'd be writing a lot now, but I just don't have the desire to pick up a pen... I don't feel that 'drive' that used to get me through my days, no matter what else was going on in my life.

I can't even pinpoint the source of my stress right now... I've found a good job, I don't mind it at all, and the money is enough to pay my bills... I'm able to buy Christmas presents... I haven't been sick lately... I work out... I eat well... I have been able to spend more time with my daughter... life should be good. One would think.

Yet, I'm feeling more stressed and depressed every day. It's all in my head, I know... If I could just force a smile on my face, I keep thinking I'll eventually feel the happiness behind it, but it's not coming.

I know I'm sexually frustrated... that alone is stressing me out, because I can't find a way to discuss our 'problems' with the man I love... it's one of those subjects you just can't approach without someone in tears and someone else feeling inadequate... and where's the good in that... it certainly wouldn't help future attempts at a sex life, there would just be more pressure and more strain between us.

Maybe my problems stem from the fact that my biological clock is ticking, and fast. I can't look at a baby without that yearning overtaking me... and EVERYONE else seems to be getting one... why can't I have one too...

Maybe my troubles surround my rapid weight gain... 25 lbs in a year... it's depressing in itself... I'd like to quit smoking, but how can I do that when I'm already gaining weight so fast even with my alternate vice... I'd like to blame my sex life on my weight gain, but damn... my sex life was horrendously pathetic even at my ideal weight... ayayay... where's the incentive for me to get back to where I was, if there will be no real benefit in it for me.

And maybe my stresses are just that I see the green grass on the other side of EVERY fence I look over... and can't keep myself from looking... we always want what we can't have, right? Why can't I just have it??? Why can't I have it all??? I've got a good child, and a good job... why can't I have a good husband, good sex, a nice house, and all the trimmings??? I deserve it, don't I?

He loves me, he loves me not... he loves me, he loves me not...

It amazes me after almost 3 years how little my man knows me... I guess it's just that he's a man... they are from Mars afterall... but I'm beyond perplexed...

My birthday was last week... I'd almost rather he have forgotten it... instead, he gets me flowers... it's the one gift I've always had issues with... I may by them for others, those that I know appreciate them... but to me they seem to be the worst waste of money possible. If someone outside of my household income makes the purchase, so be it... they're beautiful and a nice thought... but sheesh... the last thing I want my household budget extended for is something that will die three days later... in fact, I'm looking at a once beautiful, wilting bouquet now.

He said he knew I didn't like flowers... but that he was still looking for my actual gift and hadn't quite found it yet... well, he found it, and this weekend presented me with two cute little jewelry boxes. Did I want a jewelry box... YES... I'd been hinting in that direction the entire time we've been together, and the only reason I never bought myself one was because he always said he had no idea what to get me, and I thought I'd be nice and leave it to him. He said he bought both because he wasn't sure which I would want of the two. I couldn't very well tell him that neither of them were what I had in mind, so I picked one. Apparently the opposite of the one he said he would have gotten. Luckily their small enough I could make use of both of them. They certainly are better looking than the shoebox I had been using to stash my pretties... but far from the one I had in mind... I still have nothing to hang necklaces on... guess I'm just destined for a life of untangling chains... I certainly can't ask for another jewelry box now... and I'm sure it would be rude of me to go by my own now...

Why do I care about these things? Why does it matter that he knows so little about me? Heck, maybe it's just the 'woman' in me... we are from Venus afterall...

She's loving school... I'm kinda ok with work...

Well... it's been a few weeks, and my child is still excited about her new school and new grade... she's making a few friends, and not feeling overwhelmed yet by the workload. I have a feeling that will come with time, however.

As for me, I'm still working my temp job. I'm kinda liking the place... it's certainly the easiest most stress-free job I've ever had, and they offered me full time and seem to really appreciate my abilities and my work ethic... guess they don't get the best people all the time... they really make me feel appreciated though, and that's something I haven't gotten used to over the years at my previous places of employment. If only the pay were better, I'd surely stick around there for a while.

Anyway, I'm interviewing today for yet another job. I wish I prided myself a little more on my interview skills. There are a lot of things I can claim to be good at in life and work... interviewing is most definitely not one of those things... I can communicate fine in any environment except an interview. I'm not normally nervous... I just always realize after the fact what I SHOULD have said that would come across a lot better than whatever I DID say.... it's the whole shoulda, coulda, woulda syndrome...

Otherwise, life is good. If I could pay all my bills on minimum wage, I'd be a happy person... unfortunately, it takes a bit more than that to satisfy my debtors and that is the cause of a lot of the stress in my life.

I did get a second job to help satisfy some of the bills on my end table... back at Affina, again... I knew it would come to this... but I was hoping for a miracle... never have been that lucky... my winning lottery ticket probably got sold to someone else by accident... it certainly hasn't found it's way into my purse yet.

Ah well... money can't buy happiness I've been told... I just wish not having enough money didn't cause stress... and I don't have anyone to help me with this, without coming out of the failure closet... I REFUSE TO FAIL... I don't have it in me!!!

So much for that topic... I'm getting depressed... gonna get ready to go to karate... punching and kicking seems to ease the pain a bit.

~Caroline Jason

Back to Work for me... Back to School for her

Well... got offered a job today... starting tomorrow morning at 7:30... not sure what to think of it... I feel like I'm selling myself short... I know I can do more that what I'm doing, and believe very strongly that I deserve more than I'm settling for... but why should I believe that...??? One more question. This job certainly won't pay my daughters college education, and on that note, certainly won't allow me the time and money to pursue my own... yet without that college education am I really entitled to the positions I seek? For a reasonable intelligent young women, and very able bodied and able minded, I feel I am capable of so much more... yet isn't something better than nothing? Or am I just out of my mind? I guess the plus side of things is that I can pass a drug test... heck, half the people I know struggle with that one, degree or no degree.

Whether I like it or not, I'll be in bed nice and early tonight, and up before the sun tomorrow. I'll spend my day on an assembly line, and will probably find ever MORE time to contemplate where my life is headed, while doing tedious tasks that could probably easily be completed by a few chimps paid in a few bananas. Wow... I sold out on this one. I just keep telling myself it's SOMETHING, and it's only TEMPORARY... and while proclaiming that, I pray I won't still be writing about tedious assembly line labor 3 months down the road. I think I'm going to cry...

While I'm headed back to work, my daughter is preparing for entry into the 5th grade... middle school has arrived... We went back to school shopping today. That raped my wallet quite a bit, and yet at the same time, I wish I had it in my budget to do more for her. School supplies hurt this year, and we still have a few more to get. While most children are probably getting stocked up on all the latest fashions, my child got a pair of Payless shoes, and two new shirts... oh, and of course, the much needed underwear. How EXCITING for her... poor thing! One of these days I want the ability to spoil that child like she deserves. I know I don't need to buy her love, but I should at least be able to buy her clothes!!! If it weren't for the book fees yet to come, and the lunches yet to pay for, I may have been able to do more for her... instead, she'll be wearing the same old fall clothes from last year, minus the many that no longer cover her stomach, and I can only hope the kids are not too cruel when it comes to fashion, but what's a mother to do.

Em is, however, not too concerned, it seems. She hasn't complained about her lack of fashionable attire, and I am very grateful for that. There's a lot she wants, I know... but she seems understanding of our financial circumstances, that I so wish to improve.

I've made so many mistakes lately, I can't begin to tally them. I should never have left my last good job, in pursuit of better. I should have accepted where I stood in this world and just sought out a new second job to help pay the bills. Now I may end up working two full time jobs just to get back to where I was less than 4 months ago. I was in a position for 9 years... that's a lot to give up. What was I thinking??? I can't even hope for a winning lottery ticket now, not until I have money enough to purchase one... my chances are getting slimmer by the day. My light of hope is dying out... don't even know if I can keep that much needed smile on my face much longer...

Ah well... enough for today, getting more depressed as I write... we'll see how this job goes, if I have to.

~ Caroline Jason

What am I doing???

Ever wonder why the hell you're here? Ever worry that your life is meaningless? Ever look around you and forget to see the beauty that's there? That's me right now... what the heck am I doing?

This is now week #6 for being unemployed... too much time to think has now become too much time to question... What I wouldn't give for a magic genie to appear and simply answer a few simplistic questions about the value and meaning of my life... cause I certainly am struggling to figure it out right now.

I've been spending a lot of time resting... relaxation is very overrated. I need to be doing, but what is there for me to be doing right now? I study martial arts, and have been going to as many classes as possible. We strive to teach self discipline in our school, especially to the younger members, but us adults are certainly included in the lessons. I work with my daughter to instill this value in her, and hope that she learns that she is responsible for her life and many aspects of it, and yet in my days off work, I'm coming to the harsh realization that I, myself, lack considerably in this area. I wake up each day with a plan of attack... and yet, all too often my plans fail to unfold. I stand on the scale and get hyped about all the time I have now to work out and get back in shape... then I sit on the couch with a bag of potato chips. I log on-line thinking of all the jobs I need to check out and apply for... then I spend two hours on facebook, and take a nap when my eyes start to burn from the glare of the computer screen.

I have less than two months worth of savings left, and am seeing that it may take longer to obtain the job I want... and at the same time, I don't really quite know what that job is. What I wouldn't give for the opportunity to take a few years off and finish school. $75,000 is all I need to pay for the schooling and cover my cost of living expenses in the meantime. If I get a kick-ass job, I can maybe save up over the next 10-15 years and be able to do just that. One more thing to get depressed about. But hey, it's a nice thought, nonetheless.

I have spent some time on my poetry... have a few new one's written, but am very unimpressed with them at the same time. I've spent a lot of time reading over the notebooks of old writings and wishing that any of them was worth something. I'm becoming very critical of my work, and along with wanting so desperately to be able to go back to college, I'm craving the opportunity to simply take some creative courses on the side (of whatever my main course in life ends up to be), just to get some juices flowing in my mind and inspire my future writings and overall journey through life.

I know I'm a capable person, and I know I'm a great employee... I work hard, I devote myself to great results, I learn fast, and I am a Virgo, and therefore doomed to be a perfectionist in any endeavor... I know also - unfortunately - that I lack in my interview skills, especially over the phone, and am now getting more and more nervous each time I receive a call from a potential employer... why? Who the heck knows... I am confident in my speaking abilities... I am confident that any employer would find me to be a terrific asset once they bring me on board... why can I not portray this confidence to them when they call. I've read all the books, I've taken the classes, I study up on the companies... where am I lacking?

Ayayay... maybe I just need stress in my life to feel alive... I seem to put myself in this position often enough. But I'm a mother... I have a responsibility to my child and my fiance to earn a living, keep a smile on my face, food in their bellies, a roof over our heads, and a positive outlook toward the future. I show no fear... I'm not allowed to, after all... never let your friends or opponents know when you're hurting - on the mat, or in life. Live, Laugh, Learn... but never fear. And yet, when alone on these long days of nothingness, the questions come, the worry wins... and yes, in the mirror, the fear shows.

Something needs to happen for me... and I need to find a way to make it happen... NOW would be nice.

~Caroline Jason

Empty Bottles

It's a good thing I've had my writings to turn to in my greatest times of need... otherwise, I'm sure I would have found more bottles with something in them.

She stares at the bottles
Lined up against the wall
And wishes with all her might
That just one of them were full.
She thinks of her life,
And dreams of her death.
She holds up a knife,
And lights a cigarette.
She knows she won't do it
She's never had the nerve
To finally end her misery
And take what she deserves.
She works for next to nothing,
Can barely pay her debts.
She has to get drugged up
Just to get a bit of rest.
She only craves relief
From the pain she's going through
But with only empty bottles
What else can she do?

~Caroline Ballowe

In a Dream World

Looking back, I didn't lose out on my childhood, I gained a much firmer grasp on reality, and although it took some time, I found a direction for my life, making me a better person. I don't resent the world for pushing me down, nor do I resent myself any longer for allowing what I saw as 'destruction' to my soul. I've learned to love, I've loved the learning, and I've grown from it all. Afterall, every moment that has passed, good or bad, is part of my story.


In a dream world I sit
Awaiting my fate
Predicting the outcome
For which we all wait.
I pray to a demon
Hovering right over my soul
That if he eat's me alive
He'll devour me whole.
I don't wish to exist
In a world so full of hate;
Love is an ideal
To which no mortal can relate.
I gaze up at the stars
As a haze covers my eyes
And stare through the bars
That mute all my cries.
Imprisoned in an atmosphere
Where the air is thin and cold
I realize that I'm just a child
Who too soon has grown to old.

~Caroline Ballowe

It hurt

A look into the past, and why I am who I am... There's always that one event that defines each of us, and the way we deal with those events shape our entire existance. I can't say I haven't had rough times, but without them, I would not have taken a path that has led to a beautiful, wonderful child, a dream man in my life, and my strong determination for independance... but moreso, for acceptance, security and love.

It hurt, but I won't tell.
I'm in pain... you know me too damn well.
Pay me back for what you've taken,
Then leave me the hell alone.
Yet how do you pay for innocense?
Is there a price set in stone?
You left, I needed help, but who was there?
I reached out to grasp, and got a handful of air.
There is no soul to turn to in this world full of hate.
I didn't want the 'good guy', he arrived too late.
I slowly went in circles, and with each corner I turned
I found myself yearning more, a feeling that burned.
I sought companionship in every friendly face
And fucked every guy I met in every God Forsaken place.
They say I'm innocent; where I'm bad, they say I'm good.
I'm just a child, I said I was sad, you understood.
I had your warmth to circulate my blood,
Which has since dried out, making patterns in the mud.

~Caroline Ballowe

Poetry... Wedding Day Blues (2)

He asked me to be his wife...

I gladly said I would.

Most girls would be so joyous;

I know I really should.

But all I feel is worry, now,

And a whole heck of a lot of pain.

You're stealing all my joy, dad...

You're showering me now with rain.

Help me to be strong, please,

For I'm just a little girl.

I want my heart to mend now

From you exiting my world.

How can I plan this wedding,

And make it a grand affair

Knowing that you have left me,

And there's no chance that you'll be there?

~Caroline Jason (26) written February 2008

Poetry... Wedding Day Blues (1)

Being engaged is wonderful, I've wanted this for some time... but I've never been a wedding planner by nature. I was never the little girl that dreamt of that big day, walking down the isle with a long gorgeous white gown on, and hundreds of spectators... I never could enjoy such fantasies, after my father passed away when I was little. Every woman I know, spends a lot of time planning her 'father-daughter' dance... it's an important factor in that special day... not to mention, having the first man you ever loved giving you away to the man that you will be with for the rest of your life... I don't want to walk down the isle alone... and I don't want to play pretend with someone else at my side... knowing who should be there, instead.

Walk me down the isle, daddy.

Give your girl away.

It's supposed to be my moment, daddy.

It's supposed to be my day.

Your job isn't done, daddy.

Why'd you have to quit?

You left me all alone, daddy.

And I can't deal with it.

I found the man I love, daddy.

He's the man I wish to wed.

But you're supposed to be there, daddy,

When the words "I Do" are said.

We should have a special dance, daddy;

One just for you and me.

I'll be on the dance floor waiting, daddy.

Where are you going to be?

~Caroline Jason (26) written February, 2008

Unemployment gives me too much time to think...

Hi!

My name's Caroline Jason...

I'm a mother...

I'm a fiance...

I'm a housecleaner, although not a very good one...

I'm a friend...

I'm an ex flooring specialist...

I'm an ex call center manager...

I'm an ex bartender...

I'm an ex waitress...

I'm an ex retail supervisor...

I'm an ex used car salesmen (women)...

I'm an ex report analyst...

I'm an ex inbound phone CSR...

I'm an ex program coordinator...

I'm an ex traffic specialist...

I'm an ex novice graffic designer...

& currently... I'm just a mom...

I've been unemployed for 2 weeks now... in between jobs... looking for jobs... and working harder than I ever did in any of the positions mentioned above. I know there's a position out there right for me and my skills... I just don't know where to find it... I can't believe I've had 13 'job offers' in two weeks time, and they are all SALES crap positions. I understand that in order for people to have insurance, someone has to sell insurance, but how can it be that these are the only positions available to a highly qualified 26 year old woman willing and dedicated to getting the job done... I've paid to have my resume sent to employers, and it was only sent (it seems) to more mass-job websites, asking me to then sign up with them.

I've paid for some career website access, with the promise to access to better, higher paying jobs, more conveniently... and it's all the same old stuff... I don't recommend paying for these services to anyone, after my experience the past two weeks.

Would I like to work at home? Of course... what mother wouldn't... but for $10,000 a month... and I only pay $197 to start... give me a break... so many 'opportunities' out there for those like me that are in need of work... and every single one is the exact same opportunity, no matter how it's worded. And none are worth a dime.

What am I doing with my spare time? Well, I haven't had much of it, but I'm enjoying the bit that I've had. I'm used to working 60 hours a week, and now I'm doing odd jobs at my own convenience. I'm writing professional resumes for friends, family and clients (need one, let me know)... I'm doing some projects for my karate school to keep my mind and hands busy... I'm attending extra classes to get my karate attendance up... I'm spending some much needed quality time with my daughter... I'm actually getting some cleaning done around my home... I'm selling some things on Ebay (look for Emslovingmother), and I'm being somewhat lazy and taking naps.

I'm also spending a lot of time fantasizing about winning the lottery, or about my fiance finding a kick-butt job and taking over the bread-winning responsibilities, allowing me to stay at home. I never thought I'd want that, but the more I think about it, the more I feel I deserve it. I want more kids... but considering I don't feel like I've been much a part of my daughters life until this point, I don't know if I could do that to another child... just because it's the 21st century, doesn't mean I have to be the one paying the bills... does it? Maybe the lottery winnings will come...