Empty Bottles

It's a good thing I've had my writings to turn to in my greatest times of need... otherwise, I'm sure I would have found more bottles with something in them.

She stares at the bottles
Lined up against the wall
And wishes with all her might
That just one of them were full.
She thinks of her life,
And dreams of her death.
She holds up a knife,
And lights a cigarette.
She knows she won't do it
She's never had the nerve
To finally end her misery
And take what she deserves.
She works for next to nothing,
Can barely pay her debts.
She has to get drugged up
Just to get a bit of rest.
She only craves relief
From the pain she's going through
But with only empty bottles
What else can she do?

~Caroline Ballowe

In a Dream World

Looking back, I didn't lose out on my childhood, I gained a much firmer grasp on reality, and although it took some time, I found a direction for my life, making me a better person. I don't resent the world for pushing me down, nor do I resent myself any longer for allowing what I saw as 'destruction' to my soul. I've learned to love, I've loved the learning, and I've grown from it all. Afterall, every moment that has passed, good or bad, is part of my story.


In a dream world I sit
Awaiting my fate
Predicting the outcome
For which we all wait.
I pray to a demon
Hovering right over my soul
That if he eat's me alive
He'll devour me whole.
I don't wish to exist
In a world so full of hate;
Love is an ideal
To which no mortal can relate.
I gaze up at the stars
As a haze covers my eyes
And stare through the bars
That mute all my cries.
Imprisoned in an atmosphere
Where the air is thin and cold
I realize that I'm just a child
Who too soon has grown to old.

~Caroline Ballowe

It hurt

A look into the past, and why I am who I am... There's always that one event that defines each of us, and the way we deal with those events shape our entire existance. I can't say I haven't had rough times, but without them, I would not have taken a path that has led to a beautiful, wonderful child, a dream man in my life, and my strong determination for independance... but moreso, for acceptance, security and love.

It hurt, but I won't tell.
I'm in pain... you know me too damn well.
Pay me back for what you've taken,
Then leave me the hell alone.
Yet how do you pay for innocense?
Is there a price set in stone?
You left, I needed help, but who was there?
I reached out to grasp, and got a handful of air.
There is no soul to turn to in this world full of hate.
I didn't want the 'good guy', he arrived too late.
I slowly went in circles, and with each corner I turned
I found myself yearning more, a feeling that burned.
I sought companionship in every friendly face
And fucked every guy I met in every God Forsaken place.
They say I'm innocent; where I'm bad, they say I'm good.
I'm just a child, I said I was sad, you understood.
I had your warmth to circulate my blood,
Which has since dried out, making patterns in the mud.

~Caroline Ballowe

Poetry... Wedding Day Blues (2)

He asked me to be his wife...

I gladly said I would.

Most girls would be so joyous;

I know I really should.

But all I feel is worry, now,

And a whole heck of a lot of pain.

You're stealing all my joy, dad...

You're showering me now with rain.

Help me to be strong, please,

For I'm just a little girl.

I want my heart to mend now

From you exiting my world.

How can I plan this wedding,

And make it a grand affair

Knowing that you have left me,

And there's no chance that you'll be there?

~Caroline Jason (26) written February 2008

Poetry... Wedding Day Blues (1)

Being engaged is wonderful, I've wanted this for some time... but I've never been a wedding planner by nature. I was never the little girl that dreamt of that big day, walking down the isle with a long gorgeous white gown on, and hundreds of spectators... I never could enjoy such fantasies, after my father passed away when I was little. Every woman I know, spends a lot of time planning her 'father-daughter' dance... it's an important factor in that special day... not to mention, having the first man you ever loved giving you away to the man that you will be with for the rest of your life... I don't want to walk down the isle alone... and I don't want to play pretend with someone else at my side... knowing who should be there, instead.

Walk me down the isle, daddy.

Give your girl away.

It's supposed to be my moment, daddy.

It's supposed to be my day.

Your job isn't done, daddy.

Why'd you have to quit?

You left me all alone, daddy.

And I can't deal with it.

I found the man I love, daddy.

He's the man I wish to wed.

But you're supposed to be there, daddy,

When the words "I Do" are said.

We should have a special dance, daddy;

One just for you and me.

I'll be on the dance floor waiting, daddy.

Where are you going to be?

~Caroline Jason (26) written February, 2008

Unemployment gives me too much time to think...

Hi!

My name's Caroline Jason...

I'm a mother...

I'm a fiance...

I'm a housecleaner, although not a very good one...

I'm a friend...

I'm an ex flooring specialist...

I'm an ex call center manager...

I'm an ex bartender...

I'm an ex waitress...

I'm an ex retail supervisor...

I'm an ex used car salesmen (women)...

I'm an ex report analyst...

I'm an ex inbound phone CSR...

I'm an ex program coordinator...

I'm an ex traffic specialist...

I'm an ex novice graffic designer...

& currently... I'm just a mom...

I've been unemployed for 2 weeks now... in between jobs... looking for jobs... and working harder than I ever did in any of the positions mentioned above. I know there's a position out there right for me and my skills... I just don't know where to find it... I can't believe I've had 13 'job offers' in two weeks time, and they are all SALES crap positions. I understand that in order for people to have insurance, someone has to sell insurance, but how can it be that these are the only positions available to a highly qualified 26 year old woman willing and dedicated to getting the job done... I've paid to have my resume sent to employers, and it was only sent (it seems) to more mass-job websites, asking me to then sign up with them.

I've paid for some career website access, with the promise to access to better, higher paying jobs, more conveniently... and it's all the same old stuff... I don't recommend paying for these services to anyone, after my experience the past two weeks.

Would I like to work at home? Of course... what mother wouldn't... but for $10,000 a month... and I only pay $197 to start... give me a break... so many 'opportunities' out there for those like me that are in need of work... and every single one is the exact same opportunity, no matter how it's worded. And none are worth a dime.

What am I doing with my spare time? Well, I haven't had much of it, but I'm enjoying the bit that I've had. I'm used to working 60 hours a week, and now I'm doing odd jobs at my own convenience. I'm writing professional resumes for friends, family and clients (need one, let me know)... I'm doing some projects for my karate school to keep my mind and hands busy... I'm attending extra classes to get my karate attendance up... I'm spending some much needed quality time with my daughter... I'm actually getting some cleaning done around my home... I'm selling some things on Ebay (look for Emslovingmother), and I'm being somewhat lazy and taking naps.

I'm also spending a lot of time fantasizing about winning the lottery, or about my fiance finding a kick-butt job and taking over the bread-winning responsibilities, allowing me to stay at home. I never thought I'd want that, but the more I think about it, the more I feel I deserve it. I want more kids... but considering I don't feel like I've been much a part of my daughters life until this point, I don't know if I could do that to another child... just because it's the 21st century, doesn't mean I have to be the one paying the bills... does it? Maybe the lottery winnings will come...