Oops. Not sure what happened, but I just wrote about last weekends adventures and completely lost the post prior to publishing it. I won't recreate all that I said - even though I felt it was a pretty good rendition of a horrible occurrence we witnessed at Splashdown water park this past weekend. Maybe, after all, it was lost because it's one of those memories on which I should not dwell.
That being said, time is limited and this is about all I can muster as a rewrite... til next time.
7.12.2011
7.11.2011
Ozio Media - scam?
OK - so I'm not going to venture far enough to call this work at home opportunity a scam, but I will say that it seems pretty shoddy at this point.
While I was accepted at higher than the standard $1/500 words, I was not given any assignments at that price as I was told those were very few and far between, and I could accept an assignment for $1.50/100 words. I offered to try this out, but did not receive an assignment until almost 10pm last Friday night, and did not check my mail until this morning... way past the deadline for acceptance. While I am curious to see what would have happened had I accepted, the guidelines were poor and I keep seeing their rules about 'rejected' articles. It is an insult enough to have submitted so many samples without pay, but if I actually accepted an assignment at such a low pay offering and then not gotten paid for it, I would have been ticked.
The message I then received Saturday afternoon stated that I had six hours to accept the assignment or I would not be offered anything further. I guess it's a one shot thing, and you cannot go more than six hours without staring at your computer waiting for an offer.
Anyway, I figure writing 5 400-500 word articles per day would take me at least 2 hours. That said, I would be making $7.50 for two hours work. Even then, I wonder - the criteria for the assignment I missed stated 430-470 words per article... so do they total up all the articles and base pay off of that, or would I not be paid at all since I'm paid per 500 words? That's a risk I certainly don't want to take.
At this point I feel I've wasted at least 4 hours of my life on this 'golden opportunity' and am choosing not to waste anything further. Scam or no scam, I did not spend any money investing in the possibility, nor did I make any money for my meager efforts...
On to the next opportunity... bring it on.
While I was accepted at higher than the standard $1/500 words, I was not given any assignments at that price as I was told those were very few and far between, and I could accept an assignment for $1.50/100 words. I offered to try this out, but did not receive an assignment until almost 10pm last Friday night, and did not check my mail until this morning... way past the deadline for acceptance. While I am curious to see what would have happened had I accepted, the guidelines were poor and I keep seeing their rules about 'rejected' articles. It is an insult enough to have submitted so many samples without pay, but if I actually accepted an assignment at such a low pay offering and then not gotten paid for it, I would have been ticked.
The message I then received Saturday afternoon stated that I had six hours to accept the assignment or I would not be offered anything further. I guess it's a one shot thing, and you cannot go more than six hours without staring at your computer waiting for an offer.
Anyway, I figure writing 5 400-500 word articles per day would take me at least 2 hours. That said, I would be making $7.50 for two hours work. Even then, I wonder - the criteria for the assignment I missed stated 430-470 words per article... so do they total up all the articles and base pay off of that, or would I not be paid at all since I'm paid per 500 words? That's a risk I certainly don't want to take.
At this point I feel I've wasted at least 4 hours of my life on this 'golden opportunity' and am choosing not to waste anything further. Scam or no scam, I did not spend any money investing in the possibility, nor did I make any money for my meager efforts...
On to the next opportunity... bring it on.
7.08.2011
Frustrations
Back to my last post for a moment... I did receive an email back late last night in regards to my latest 'sample articles'. This time I was informed that my writing basically sucked and would be too much of a proofreading hassle for further consideration on the two possible assignments for which I'd been a potential candidate. Eek. What a downer to my spirit.
I did send back a nice polite response today thanking my 'team leader' for his feedback and expressing my desire in another opportunity to prove my worthiness should they decide to offer me a second chance, but have yet to receive any reply to this message. We'll see... I'll be sure to mention it in a future post if anything happens. I am just upset at the effort put into writing freebie articles that apparently went from excellent to less than sub-par in a weeks time span. Come on paying gig... give me a chance at redemption.
Good news in the Miller house - Trent (hubby) recently acquired a small boost in his pay. This will help significantly with baby expenses come November. Why include this in my 'frustrations' blog? Well - he is now taking home more than me and as proud of him as I am, I HATE it! I either need to be the primary breadwinner in the household, or I need to be a stay at home mother with him taking complete care of me. I don't like being in the middle, where I don't feel I'm happy with my career and certainly feel less than thrilled about my involvement with my children and household duties. Yet right now, that's right where I am... stuck in the middle.
On a happy note - Tomorrow is Trent's birthday, I'm logging off now to go get him a card. Wishing him the happiest of days, and hoping he's OK with the Cubs/Cardinals tickets I got him.
More thoughts and frustrations to come in the near future... I can't seem to stop them...
I did send back a nice polite response today thanking my 'team leader' for his feedback and expressing my desire in another opportunity to prove my worthiness should they decide to offer me a second chance, but have yet to receive any reply to this message. We'll see... I'll be sure to mention it in a future post if anything happens. I am just upset at the effort put into writing freebie articles that apparently went from excellent to less than sub-par in a weeks time span. Come on paying gig... give me a chance at redemption.
Good news in the Miller house - Trent (hubby) recently acquired a small boost in his pay. This will help significantly with baby expenses come November. Why include this in my 'frustrations' blog? Well - he is now taking home more than me and as proud of him as I am, I HATE it! I either need to be the primary breadwinner in the household, or I need to be a stay at home mother with him taking complete care of me. I don't like being in the middle, where I don't feel I'm happy with my career and certainly feel less than thrilled about my involvement with my children and household duties. Yet right now, that's right where I am... stuck in the middle.
On a happy note - Tomorrow is Trent's birthday, I'm logging off now to go get him a card. Wishing him the happiest of days, and hoping he's OK with the Cubs/Cardinals tickets I got him.
More thoughts and frustrations to come in the near future... I can't seem to stop them...
7.07.2011
Jobs at Home
side note: Three days in a row that I'm posting here, a new record... of which I am quite proud!
In a desperate attempt to find a part time gig and bring in a little extra income, I started (once again), searching for work at home opportunities on line. I have had my fair share of trial and error in this area and have spent much more money than I wish to admit to on 'scam' type positions that promised large income potential and was adamant that I was not going to do that this time around.
In a search for writing/editing opportunities I came across one appearing fairly legitimate on jobsathome.com. This opportunity did not promise high levels of income, but also did not require any initial investment, so it appears to be more realistic than those telling me if I spend hundreds now and work minutes or less a day, I can earn thousands each week in no time.
In short, the offer stated that I could earn between $1 and $15 per article for clients requiring articles of typically 400-500 words each, and I just need to promise to be available to write 4-5 articles a day at minimum and at least 5 days per week. That seems reasonable. Upon emailing my resume and expression of interest in the position, I was told most contracts are $1 per 500 words. In my mind this is approximately 2 hours of work each day for 5 articles, totaling a whopping earnings of $5 per day or $25 per week. Out of curiosity, I went ahead and proceeded in the application process, expressing to the HR representative that while I would be willing to give this chance, I could not commit myself long term to something so trivial in compensation.
This being said I was asked for and submitted three 'sample' articles of 200 words each as my test to be offered a contract. After these submissions were reviewed I received word that my writing excels (yay) and that I was being passed on for further consideration and would be able to obtain at least $2/500 words, but not likely more. In the end I was offered placement for $1/100 words (even better) and assigned to a project manager to receive further instructions. I gladly accepted this contract, expecting to be put to work immediately, and earning $50-$75 extra dollars weekly for an estimate of about 10 hours work. Of course this estimate is just my own hope that my assignments are simple topics about which I already have some knowledge and can crank out 500 words in no time at all.... I am still waiting to see if this estimate is accurate and if there is potential in this position.
I started this process early last week, and after sending my samples, being reviewed and accepting the final contract terms (last Thursday), I have been waiting further instruction. A week has passed, and I have yet to earn a dime.
After sending an inquiry about the status of my first assignment I was informed yesterday that assignments at my level of pay are few and far between and it may be weeks before I receive my first project to accept. In the meantime, I am to keep checking, as they require almost immediate response and at least an average of one article every six hours when an assignment is accepted. In the meantime, if I wish, there are lower paying assignments 'below my pay level' that I can be offered. While I was debating on accepting a lower assignment, today I was transferred to a new project manager who may have assignments for me in the genre of 'green sustainability' and the financial industry, two topics about which I feel capable of writing and was willing to try out. I was asked for yet some more sample articles on these very general topics to share with the client to see if I was a right fit for the job.
So as of now, I have written a total of three 'sample articles' from which I can be judged, and still have yet to receive an actual assignment and earn a penny. It's only been a week, so I am still optimistic, but my initial enthusiasm is starting to dwindle. I am hoping that by tomorrow my latest samples will have been reviewed, deemed suitable, and a paying gig will be awaiting me in my inbox.
Despite my loss of enthusiasm, I have not spent a penny nor have I had to provide any personal information, and therefore am still fairly certain this is not a scam. My pay is supposed to be paid through Paypal every Friday, for any articles written that week, which seems safe enough. Hopefully by next Friday (since I've missed the mark for tomorrows payment) I will start to see a little earnings from this endeavor and will have a better feel for how the system works and how much time it will take me to make a few extra bucks.
I'll keep posting any new developments, in case anyone is interested. Cross your fingers for me world! $75 per week will at least help me pay for Em's much needed braces.... speaking of... darn, was supposed to schedule that to happen sometime soon... getting out the long list of 'to do's'.
Signing out...
In a desperate attempt to find a part time gig and bring in a little extra income, I started (once again), searching for work at home opportunities on line. I have had my fair share of trial and error in this area and have spent much more money than I wish to admit to on 'scam' type positions that promised large income potential and was adamant that I was not going to do that this time around.
In a search for writing/editing opportunities I came across one appearing fairly legitimate on jobsathome.com. This opportunity did not promise high levels of income, but also did not require any initial investment, so it appears to be more realistic than those telling me if I spend hundreds now and work minutes or less a day, I can earn thousands each week in no time.
In short, the offer stated that I could earn between $1 and $15 per article for clients requiring articles of typically 400-500 words each, and I just need to promise to be available to write 4-5 articles a day at minimum and at least 5 days per week. That seems reasonable. Upon emailing my resume and expression of interest in the position, I was told most contracts are $1 per 500 words. In my mind this is approximately 2 hours of work each day for 5 articles, totaling a whopping earnings of $5 per day or $25 per week. Out of curiosity, I went ahead and proceeded in the application process, expressing to the HR representative that while I would be willing to give this chance, I could not commit myself long term to something so trivial in compensation.
This being said I was asked for and submitted three 'sample' articles of 200 words each as my test to be offered a contract. After these submissions were reviewed I received word that my writing excels (yay) and that I was being passed on for further consideration and would be able to obtain at least $2/500 words, but not likely more. In the end I was offered placement for $1/100 words (even better) and assigned to a project manager to receive further instructions. I gladly accepted this contract, expecting to be put to work immediately, and earning $50-$75 extra dollars weekly for an estimate of about 10 hours work. Of course this estimate is just my own hope that my assignments are simple topics about which I already have some knowledge and can crank out 500 words in no time at all.... I am still waiting to see if this estimate is accurate and if there is potential in this position.
I started this process early last week, and after sending my samples, being reviewed and accepting the final contract terms (last Thursday), I have been waiting further instruction. A week has passed, and I have yet to earn a dime.
After sending an inquiry about the status of my first assignment I was informed yesterday that assignments at my level of pay are few and far between and it may be weeks before I receive my first project to accept. In the meantime, I am to keep checking, as they require almost immediate response and at least an average of one article every six hours when an assignment is accepted. In the meantime, if I wish, there are lower paying assignments 'below my pay level' that I can be offered. While I was debating on accepting a lower assignment, today I was transferred to a new project manager who may have assignments for me in the genre of 'green sustainability' and the financial industry, two topics about which I feel capable of writing and was willing to try out. I was asked for yet some more sample articles on these very general topics to share with the client to see if I was a right fit for the job.
So as of now, I have written a total of three 'sample articles' from which I can be judged, and still have yet to receive an actual assignment and earn a penny. It's only been a week, so I am still optimistic, but my initial enthusiasm is starting to dwindle. I am hoping that by tomorrow my latest samples will have been reviewed, deemed suitable, and a paying gig will be awaiting me in my inbox.
Despite my loss of enthusiasm, I have not spent a penny nor have I had to provide any personal information, and therefore am still fairly certain this is not a scam. My pay is supposed to be paid through Paypal every Friday, for any articles written that week, which seems safe enough. Hopefully by next Friday (since I've missed the mark for tomorrows payment) I will start to see a little earnings from this endeavor and will have a better feel for how the system works and how much time it will take me to make a few extra bucks.
I'll keep posting any new developments, in case anyone is interested. Cross your fingers for me world! $75 per week will at least help me pay for Em's much needed braces.... speaking of... darn, was supposed to schedule that to happen sometime soon... getting out the long list of 'to do's'.
Signing out...
7.06.2011
Pregnant thoughts from a pregnant woman
I always enjoyed being pregnant when I first had Em 12 years ago... no complications, no unpleasantness, no weird cravings... just the nice knowledge that life was flourishing inside my body.
The experience is definitely one that I'm grateful I can have... I wouldn't give it up for anything.
As for the second time around... well, I'm almost 30 years old now, and things have changed slightly. Years of smoking have made me sluggish, yet years of working out have made me stronger. I didn't have any real morning sickness either time around (thank Heavens!), and have only felt slight discomforts in this go-round. I don't remember ligaments stretching out before... but I can certainly feel them these days. I was not quite as active during my first pregnancy, but I am hating the 'toning it down' aspect of this one. I feel invincible... until I feel a cramping pain in my abdomen and have to remind myself there is life in there and I need to take it easy.
There is a lot I want to do and a lot of activities in which I'd like to partake, and yet I am not limited by a child whose face I have yet to see. It is an odd feeling, and yet exhilarating to know that every action I take and decision I make is directly impacting the life growing in my womb.
I have read about all the activities I should avoid (as well as the foods and beverages), and don't feel too limited except for by my own abilities. I can still do karate, but alas, my kicks no longer go over my head, and my stances have risen considerable. I can still do calisthenics, as long as I avoid ab workouts like sit ups or other strenuous activities. I've had to recently drop to my knees for 'girly' push ups as the strain of real ones has been relatively painful. While I don't feel weaker, I certainly don't want to get that way either, and have to walk the fine line of maintaining my own health and strength without jeopardizing that of my new daughter.
Caffeine (or lack thereof) is my biggest pregnancy trial. I am a coffee drinker, and miss it terribly. I am no saint, I still partake is a daily dosage... but only a small one, then spend the rest of my days wishing for another, and sorrowfully downing my bottled water, or decaffeinated, highly caloric sprite or fruit juice instead. (My coffee and diet Dr. Pepper that I used to consume had no calories... this is an injustice to pregnant women. I also find myself more often than ever desiring the few foods that I am supposed to limit, such as fish. I was never a huge fish consumer... but now, I'm finding that a few ounces a week is too trivial, and always wanting more. Luckily those I enjoy the most are fairly low in mercury and therefore fairly safe for me and my fetus.
As for my body... oh, it's a-changin'. It started with a widening of the hips, almost instantaneously, and at about four months, the belly started to protrude. While I'm starting to look the part, at 23 weeks along, I know I'll only get bigger and am well aware of the damage my figure will suffer and the hardships I'll have in getting back my body after birth. The odd thing is, I don't 'feel' pregnant... not yet at least. If it weren't for the lack of my monthly visitor, the shapeliness of my hips and stomach and a slight fluttering I feel occasionally when at rest, I wouldn't know I was pregnant at all. I am waiting for the day when the real kicking gets started, and when I can't so much as touch my toes any longer. Maybe then it will truly hit me. I can't wait for Trent to be able to feel the kicking either. It's a totally beautiful life changing thing to feel your child's movements, and the closest he can get to contact for another four months.
All in all, the pregnancy is going well, and I can't wait to meet my new baby. I have a feeling she'll be tiny in comparison to Em at birth, and hope that means she'll stay a precious baby for that much longer! I can't wait!
The experience is definitely one that I'm grateful I can have... I wouldn't give it up for anything.
As for the second time around... well, I'm almost 30 years old now, and things have changed slightly. Years of smoking have made me sluggish, yet years of working out have made me stronger. I didn't have any real morning sickness either time around (thank Heavens!), and have only felt slight discomforts in this go-round. I don't remember ligaments stretching out before... but I can certainly feel them these days. I was not quite as active during my first pregnancy, but I am hating the 'toning it down' aspect of this one. I feel invincible... until I feel a cramping pain in my abdomen and have to remind myself there is life in there and I need to take it easy.
There is a lot I want to do and a lot of activities in which I'd like to partake, and yet I am not limited by a child whose face I have yet to see. It is an odd feeling, and yet exhilarating to know that every action I take and decision I make is directly impacting the life growing in my womb.
I have read about all the activities I should avoid (as well as the foods and beverages), and don't feel too limited except for by my own abilities. I can still do karate, but alas, my kicks no longer go over my head, and my stances have risen considerable. I can still do calisthenics, as long as I avoid ab workouts like sit ups or other strenuous activities. I've had to recently drop to my knees for 'girly' push ups as the strain of real ones has been relatively painful. While I don't feel weaker, I certainly don't want to get that way either, and have to walk the fine line of maintaining my own health and strength without jeopardizing that of my new daughter.
Caffeine (or lack thereof) is my biggest pregnancy trial. I am a coffee drinker, and miss it terribly. I am no saint, I still partake is a daily dosage... but only a small one, then spend the rest of my days wishing for another, and sorrowfully downing my bottled water, or decaffeinated, highly caloric sprite or fruit juice instead. (My coffee and diet Dr. Pepper that I used to consume had no calories... this is an injustice to pregnant women. I also find myself more often than ever desiring the few foods that I am supposed to limit, such as fish. I was never a huge fish consumer... but now, I'm finding that a few ounces a week is too trivial, and always wanting more. Luckily those I enjoy the most are fairly low in mercury and therefore fairly safe for me and my fetus.
As for my body... oh, it's a-changin'. It started with a widening of the hips, almost instantaneously, and at about four months, the belly started to protrude. While I'm starting to look the part, at 23 weeks along, I know I'll only get bigger and am well aware of the damage my figure will suffer and the hardships I'll have in getting back my body after birth. The odd thing is, I don't 'feel' pregnant... not yet at least. If it weren't for the lack of my monthly visitor, the shapeliness of my hips and stomach and a slight fluttering I feel occasionally when at rest, I wouldn't know I was pregnant at all. I am waiting for the day when the real kicking gets started, and when I can't so much as touch my toes any longer. Maybe then it will truly hit me. I can't wait for Trent to be able to feel the kicking either. It's a totally beautiful life changing thing to feel your child's movements, and the closest he can get to contact for another four months.
All in all, the pregnancy is going well, and I can't wait to meet my new baby. I have a feeling she'll be tiny in comparison to Em at birth, and hope that means she'll stay a precious baby for that much longer! I can't wait!
7.05.2011
Too much time has passed
Hey all... hmmm... I created this in 2008 and it has now taken me about 30 minutes just to figure out how to log into my own blog to post something again.
What has happened in the last 3 years (almost)...
Well... hmmm...
Emlee will be 12 and starting 8th grade in the fall.
Trent and I FINALLY tied the know. (May 14th, 2011). :) Oh happy day! We didn't get to the alter without a few struggles over the last 5 years, but we did get there, and can't be happier.
Trent and I have a baby on the way... a little girl... Trinity TBD Miller...
Trinity will either be a 6 month pregnancy or people will do the math and realize she may be the miracle that finally made us jump on the marriage bandwagon and get-r-done. Either way, we'll love her to pieces. (last appointment was 2 weeks ago... she weighed in at 9 ounces... approx 10 inches long with a strong heart beat of 157 beats per minute... and alas, no penis.)
Due date is November 6th... we're shooting for November 11th... come on 11-11-11!!!
I finally completed my associates in the summer of 2010... jumped right into a Bachelor's program... will have it completed in July 2012, barring any delays in the meantime.
I finally left my job at Affina... became a car salesman, then went on to manage the warehouse for Parker... did that for 18 months then returned to Affina... I guess this place is my security blanket and I can't quite give it up, despite every effort on my part to do so. Been back here since March of 2010, and will likely remain here, til death do us part.
That about covers my last 3 years... so much excitement, yet so little to say...
I am determined to use this blog now for what it was intended... basically a journal for myself... and an insight into who the heck I am for anyone that may care to read it...
Anyone want to place bets on how long it will be now until my next post? Will I keep this up for a day, a week, a month? Will I post about the birth of my new baby before I post about the birth of my first grandchildren? We'll see.
Signing out for now... hopefully I'll knock out a little homework or housework yet tonight - but most likely it will be shower and TV time instead.
What has happened in the last 3 years (almost)...
Well... hmmm...
Emlee will be 12 and starting 8th grade in the fall.
Trent and I FINALLY tied the know. (May 14th, 2011). :) Oh happy day! We didn't get to the alter without a few struggles over the last 5 years, but we did get there, and can't be happier.
Trent and I have a baby on the way... a little girl... Trinity TBD Miller...
Trinity will either be a 6 month pregnancy or people will do the math and realize she may be the miracle that finally made us jump on the marriage bandwagon and get-r-done. Either way, we'll love her to pieces. (last appointment was 2 weeks ago... she weighed in at 9 ounces... approx 10 inches long with a strong heart beat of 157 beats per minute... and alas, no penis.)
Due date is November 6th... we're shooting for November 11th... come on 11-11-11!!!
I finally completed my associates in the summer of 2010... jumped right into a Bachelor's program... will have it completed in July 2012, barring any delays in the meantime.
I finally left my job at Affina... became a car salesman, then went on to manage the warehouse for Parker... did that for 18 months then returned to Affina... I guess this place is my security blanket and I can't quite give it up, despite every effort on my part to do so. Been back here since March of 2010, and will likely remain here, til death do us part.
That about covers my last 3 years... so much excitement, yet so little to say...
I am determined to use this blog now for what it was intended... basically a journal for myself... and an insight into who the heck I am for anyone that may care to read it...
Anyone want to place bets on how long it will be now until my next post? Will I keep this up for a day, a week, a month? Will I post about the birth of my new baby before I post about the birth of my first grandchildren? We'll see.
Signing out for now... hopefully I'll knock out a little homework or housework yet tonight - but most likely it will be shower and TV time instead.
11.30.2008
Inner Self
It's been a while since I've written... and not just here, it's been a while since I've written ANYTHING... it's depressing, since I once considered myself an avid writer.
I write short stories, mainly children's stories... I write poetry... mainly when I'm down and depressed... you'd think I'd be writing a lot now, but I just don't have the desire to pick up a pen... I don't feel that 'drive' that used to get me through my days, no matter what else was going on in my life.
I can't even pinpoint the source of my stress right now... I've found a good job, I don't mind it at all, and the money is enough to pay my bills... I'm able to buy Christmas presents... I haven't been sick lately... I work out... I eat well... I have been able to spend more time with my daughter... life should be good. One would think.
Yet, I'm feeling more stressed and depressed every day. It's all in my head, I know... If I could just force a smile on my face, I keep thinking I'll eventually feel the happiness behind it, but it's not coming.
I know I'm sexually frustrated... that alone is stressing me out, because I can't find a way to discuss our 'problems' with the man I love... it's one of those subjects you just can't approach without someone in tears and someone else feeling inadequate... and where's the good in that... it certainly wouldn't help future attempts at a sex life, there would just be more pressure and more strain between us.
Maybe my problems stem from the fact that my biological clock is ticking, and fast. I can't look at a baby without that yearning overtaking me... and EVERYONE else seems to be getting one... why can't I have one too...
Maybe my troubles surround my rapid weight gain... 25 lbs in a year... it's depressing in itself... I'd like to quit smoking, but how can I do that when I'm already gaining weight so fast even with my alternate vice... I'd like to blame my sex life on my weight gain, but damn... my sex life was horrendously pathetic even at my ideal weight... ayayay... where's the incentive for me to get back to where I was, if there will be no real benefit in it for me.
And maybe my stresses are just that I see the green grass on the other side of EVERY fence I look over... and can't keep myself from looking... we always want what we can't have, right? Why can't I just have it??? Why can't I have it all??? I've got a good child, and a good job... why can't I have a good husband, good sex, a nice house, and all the trimmings??? I deserve it, don't I?
I write short stories, mainly children's stories... I write poetry... mainly when I'm down and depressed... you'd think I'd be writing a lot now, but I just don't have the desire to pick up a pen... I don't feel that 'drive' that used to get me through my days, no matter what else was going on in my life.
I can't even pinpoint the source of my stress right now... I've found a good job, I don't mind it at all, and the money is enough to pay my bills... I'm able to buy Christmas presents... I haven't been sick lately... I work out... I eat well... I have been able to spend more time with my daughter... life should be good. One would think.
Yet, I'm feeling more stressed and depressed every day. It's all in my head, I know... If I could just force a smile on my face, I keep thinking I'll eventually feel the happiness behind it, but it's not coming.
I know I'm sexually frustrated... that alone is stressing me out, because I can't find a way to discuss our 'problems' with the man I love... it's one of those subjects you just can't approach without someone in tears and someone else feeling inadequate... and where's the good in that... it certainly wouldn't help future attempts at a sex life, there would just be more pressure and more strain between us.
Maybe my problems stem from the fact that my biological clock is ticking, and fast. I can't look at a baby without that yearning overtaking me... and EVERYONE else seems to be getting one... why can't I have one too...
Maybe my troubles surround my rapid weight gain... 25 lbs in a year... it's depressing in itself... I'd like to quit smoking, but how can I do that when I'm already gaining weight so fast even with my alternate vice... I'd like to blame my sex life on my weight gain, but damn... my sex life was horrendously pathetic even at my ideal weight... ayayay... where's the incentive for me to get back to where I was, if there will be no real benefit in it for me.
And maybe my stresses are just that I see the green grass on the other side of EVERY fence I look over... and can't keep myself from looking... we always want what we can't have, right? Why can't I just have it??? Why can't I have it all??? I've got a good child, and a good job... why can't I have a good husband, good sex, a nice house, and all the trimmings??? I deserve it, don't I?
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