What am I doing???

Ever wonder why the hell you're here? Ever worry that your life is meaningless? Ever look around you and forget to see the beauty that's there? That's me right now... what the heck am I doing?

This is now week #6 for being unemployed... too much time to think has now become too much time to question... What I wouldn't give for a magic genie to appear and simply answer a few simplistic questions about the value and meaning of my life... cause I certainly am struggling to figure it out right now.

I've been spending a lot of time resting... relaxation is very overrated. I need to be doing, but what is there for me to be doing right now? I study martial arts, and have been going to as many classes as possible. We strive to teach self discipline in our school, especially to the younger members, but us adults are certainly included in the lessons. I work with my daughter to instill this value in her, and hope that she learns that she is responsible for her life and many aspects of it, and yet in my days off work, I'm coming to the harsh realization that I, myself, lack considerably in this area. I wake up each day with a plan of attack... and yet, all too often my plans fail to unfold. I stand on the scale and get hyped about all the time I have now to work out and get back in shape... then I sit on the couch with a bag of potato chips. I log on-line thinking of all the jobs I need to check out and apply for... then I spend two hours on facebook, and take a nap when my eyes start to burn from the glare of the computer screen.

I have less than two months worth of savings left, and am seeing that it may take longer to obtain the job I want... and at the same time, I don't really quite know what that job is. What I wouldn't give for the opportunity to take a few years off and finish school. $75,000 is all I need to pay for the schooling and cover my cost of living expenses in the meantime. If I get a kick-ass job, I can maybe save up over the next 10-15 years and be able to do just that. One more thing to get depressed about. But hey, it's a nice thought, nonetheless.

I have spent some time on my poetry... have a few new one's written, but am very unimpressed with them at the same time. I've spent a lot of time reading over the notebooks of old writings and wishing that any of them was worth something. I'm becoming very critical of my work, and along with wanting so desperately to be able to go back to college, I'm craving the opportunity to simply take some creative courses on the side (of whatever my main course in life ends up to be), just to get some juices flowing in my mind and inspire my future writings and overall journey through life.

I know I'm a capable person, and I know I'm a great employee... I work hard, I devote myself to great results, I learn fast, and I am a Virgo, and therefore doomed to be a perfectionist in any endeavor... I know also - unfortunately - that I lack in my interview skills, especially over the phone, and am now getting more and more nervous each time I receive a call from a potential employer... why? Who the heck knows... I am confident in my speaking abilities... I am confident that any employer would find me to be a terrific asset once they bring me on board... why can I not portray this confidence to them when they call. I've read all the books, I've taken the classes, I study up on the companies... where am I lacking?

Ayayay... maybe I just need stress in my life to feel alive... I seem to put myself in this position often enough. But I'm a mother... I have a responsibility to my child and my fiance to earn a living, keep a smile on my face, food in their bellies, a roof over our heads, and a positive outlook toward the future. I show no fear... I'm not allowed to, after all... never let your friends or opponents know when you're hurting - on the mat, or in life. Live, Laugh, Learn... but never fear. And yet, when alone on these long days of nothingness, the questions come, the worry wins... and yes, in the mirror, the fear shows.

Something needs to happen for me... and I need to find a way to make it happen... NOW would be nice.

~Caroline Jason