Back to Work for me... Back to School for her

Well... got offered a job today... starting tomorrow morning at 7:30... not sure what to think of it... I feel like I'm selling myself short... I know I can do more that what I'm doing, and believe very strongly that I deserve more than I'm settling for... but why should I believe that...??? One more question. This job certainly won't pay my daughters college education, and on that note, certainly won't allow me the time and money to pursue my own... yet without that college education am I really entitled to the positions I seek? For a reasonable intelligent young women, and very able bodied and able minded, I feel I am capable of so much more... yet isn't something better than nothing? Or am I just out of my mind? I guess the plus side of things is that I can pass a drug test... heck, half the people I know struggle with that one, degree or no degree.

Whether I like it or not, I'll be in bed nice and early tonight, and up before the sun tomorrow. I'll spend my day on an assembly line, and will probably find ever MORE time to contemplate where my life is headed, while doing tedious tasks that could probably easily be completed by a few chimps paid in a few bananas. Wow... I sold out on this one. I just keep telling myself it's SOMETHING, and it's only TEMPORARY... and while proclaiming that, I pray I won't still be writing about tedious assembly line labor 3 months down the road. I think I'm going to cry...

While I'm headed back to work, my daughter is preparing for entry into the 5th grade... middle school has arrived... We went back to school shopping today. That raped my wallet quite a bit, and yet at the same time, I wish I had it in my budget to do more for her. School supplies hurt this year, and we still have a few more to get. While most children are probably getting stocked up on all the latest fashions, my child got a pair of Payless shoes, and two new shirts... oh, and of course, the much needed underwear. How EXCITING for her... poor thing! One of these days I want the ability to spoil that child like she deserves. I know I don't need to buy her love, but I should at least be able to buy her clothes!!! If it weren't for the book fees yet to come, and the lunches yet to pay for, I may have been able to do more for her... instead, she'll be wearing the same old fall clothes from last year, minus the many that no longer cover her stomach, and I can only hope the kids are not too cruel when it comes to fashion, but what's a mother to do.

Em is, however, not too concerned, it seems. She hasn't complained about her lack of fashionable attire, and I am very grateful for that. There's a lot she wants, I know... but she seems understanding of our financial circumstances, that I so wish to improve.

I've made so many mistakes lately, I can't begin to tally them. I should never have left my last good job, in pursuit of better. I should have accepted where I stood in this world and just sought out a new second job to help pay the bills. Now I may end up working two full time jobs just to get back to where I was less than 4 months ago. I was in a position for 9 years... that's a lot to give up. What was I thinking??? I can't even hope for a winning lottery ticket now, not until I have money enough to purchase one... my chances are getting slimmer by the day. My light of hope is dying out... don't even know if I can keep that much needed smile on my face much longer...

Ah well... enough for today, getting more depressed as I write... we'll see how this job goes, if I have to.

~ Caroline Jason