Inner Self

It's been a while since I've written... and not just here, it's been a while since I've written ANYTHING... it's depressing, since I once considered myself an avid writer.

I write short stories, mainly children's stories... I write poetry... mainly when I'm down and depressed... you'd think I'd be writing a lot now, but I just don't have the desire to pick up a pen... I don't feel that 'drive' that used to get me through my days, no matter what else was going on in my life.

I can't even pinpoint the source of my stress right now... I've found a good job, I don't mind it at all, and the money is enough to pay my bills... I'm able to buy Christmas presents... I haven't been sick lately... I work out... I eat well... I have been able to spend more time with my daughter... life should be good. One would think.

Yet, I'm feeling more stressed and depressed every day. It's all in my head, I know... If I could just force a smile on my face, I keep thinking I'll eventually feel the happiness behind it, but it's not coming.

I know I'm sexually frustrated... that alone is stressing me out, because I can't find a way to discuss our 'problems' with the man I love... it's one of those subjects you just can't approach without someone in tears and someone else feeling inadequate... and where's the good in that... it certainly wouldn't help future attempts at a sex life, there would just be more pressure and more strain between us.

Maybe my problems stem from the fact that my biological clock is ticking, and fast. I can't look at a baby without that yearning overtaking me... and EVERYONE else seems to be getting one... why can't I have one too...

Maybe my troubles surround my rapid weight gain... 25 lbs in a year... it's depressing in itself... I'd like to quit smoking, but how can I do that when I'm already gaining weight so fast even with my alternate vice... I'd like to blame my sex life on my weight gain, but damn... my sex life was horrendously pathetic even at my ideal weight... ayayay... where's the incentive for me to get back to where I was, if there will be no real benefit in it for me.

And maybe my stresses are just that I see the green grass on the other side of EVERY fence I look over... and can't keep myself from looking... we always want what we can't have, right? Why can't I just have it??? Why can't I have it all??? I've got a good child, and a good job... why can't I have a good husband, good sex, a nice house, and all the trimmings??? I deserve it, don't I?